This is what i feel

Salam.

Supposedly aku update blog tentang praktikal aku di Shah Alam. So many things yang aku nak share tapi i'm just not in the mood.

Aku rasa penat sangat. As if i cannot bear whats happening inside me right now. aku duduk dekat rumah tak buat apa pun rasa penat. mungkin penat dengan apa yang aku fikir, atau apa yang aku rasa.

Tidur tak mampu hilangkan apa yang aku rasa ni. it does not fade away. i can just cry out of the blue. i feel helpless. i feel entah lah. all i want is to end this.

i did think about suicide several times tapi as a muslim, i wouldnt dare to do it. i just keep it as my thoughts. how.. where.. when..

i am so tired right now. i dont have a grip. i cannot feel happy. as if i am trapped in someone else souls. i dont enjoy eating as much as im used to. im hungry but i dont feel like eating. i cant smile. i dont know.

gosh i feel so tired right now.

i thought this feeling would fade away tapi dia berterusan since 2 sem lepas lagi. i can say this would ruin my life. i dont know where i belong anymore.

if you ask me anything, my answer would probably be "I Don't Know". frankly, semua macam blank. i wish someone can get into my muscle and give them a hug. because i lost grip. i would hit a pause button if i had one.

i would do anything if there is somehow any chances i could escape from this feelings, even for a second..

aku x tahu nak cakap dengan siapa. dan kalau aku bercakap pun, tak tahu nak cakap apa. aku tak tahu apa punca. i dont know!

so thats it. aku post ni dalam blog so that.. if... if anything happen to me, someone would get a clue what it is about. one of life lessons i learnt while im doing my practical was.. People Dont Care. Sure, you show tantrum or an attitude and they saw it. something definitely is wrong. but just because they knew, doesnt mean they care. unless you are someone to them.

However, aku rasa lega lepas tulis blog. it helps even a bit.

thats all. take care.

Struggling,
Aisyah.